The Pursuit of Work/Life Balance

Spoiler Alert: There's no such thing.

Call it what you will – work/life balance; or work/life harmony, integration, alignment, tension, whatever.

Truth is, it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t exist because the premise suggests that work is separate and apart from life. Let’s face it, it’s not, especially now. Work is an integral part of our culture, and has always been part of our lives. In fact, the lines are even blurrier now that many of us are working from home.

I suggest we humans are simply searching for a healthy existence, where all the important parts of our lives ebb and flow in a way that allows us to be the best of ourselves. It’s not about the label we use to describe it; it’s about the process that allows us to create and sustain it. It’s a life-long journey of intention and reflection.

We all have days where we feel it; we’re in the zone and life just flows in an easy, seamless sort of way. It feels like we have arrived, we’ve found that magical balance and things just feel right. So, we try to cling to it, and the harder we try, the more elusive it becomes, dancing in and out of our grasp. It’s there, then it’s not. That’s because it’s not stagnant, it’s not a destination; instead it’s a way of being that’s constantly ebbing and flowing.

So, how do we create this mysterious way of being, the one that allows us to live a healthy existence and be the best of ourselves? It begins with our values. Identifying, defining and living into them. I like to think of personal values as the ultimate filtration system for humanity. Our existence becomes healthy when all the filters are working together to guide our thoughts, words and actions.

Everyone has a different system, comprised of their unique filters. I will walk you through the process of designing your system and using it to create a healthier existence in this 3-part series.

Let's start by understanding how the system was developed. I’ve always had a pretty good idea of what my values were. Most of us do. What I didn’t have was the clarity needed to live into them on an intentional and consistent basis.

This was brought to my attention 15 years ago, during a family crisis; it felt like a giant unexpected slap in the face. Decisions were being made in haste, in reaction to panic and fear. It wasn’t until I invested in a 6-month intensive program for struggling parents of teens that I discovered my role in contributing to the crisis.

In order to move forward, I had to go back to basics, back to my values. The process was not easy or fast; it required some deep soul-searching which quite frankly exposed raw emotion and caused more than one ugly cry session. Yet, after all the tearful searching, I ended up with a custom framework that has served as an effective filtration system ever since.

Below, I introduce you to the 3-part process I learned, and pray that you are able to work through it far more quickly, with fewer tears (and a lot less Afrin).

PART 1: WHAT ARE YOUR VALUES?

You are the only one who defines your values. Sure, they can be influenced by your upbringing, your culture, your environment, your religion, etc., but at the end of the day, you are the one who decides what they are, how you define them, and ultimately, how you chose to live into them.

Begin by visiting your core beliefs. What beliefs do you hold that you consider true, sacred, non-negotiable? This works best when you allow yourself the freedom to brainstorm. Write them down, all of them, even if you aren’t 100% confident in their accuracy. I can’t emphasize enough the writing part; doing this in your head will not result in the clarity that is necessary to build a sustainable system. Use paper, computer, Post-it Notes, whatever works for you.

Over the course of 24 hours (or longer), add to your list everything that comes to mind about what you value. It will be easy at first: values like family, faith, honesty, health, service, etc. are top of mind for many. Dig deeper, peel back the onion, add more to your list. You may find that some of your words or phrases are similar; that’s okay, list them all. While there’s no magic number, your list should include a minimum of 25, so keep adding. Anything less suggests that you’ve missed a layer or two.

Then, sort and theme them. Look for similarities and begin grouping those that are closely related. For example, if you listed compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness and genuineness, might they fall under the theme of empathy? There is no right or wrong, good or bad; if it makes sense to your heart, that’s all that matters. You will continue to refine the list as you proceed.

PART 2: HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR VALUES?

Now that you have your list of values (or filters), it’s time to consider exactly what they mean to you. Just naming them and holding them is not enough. You must decide what each of your values represents and how you want to intentionally live into and through them, one at a time.

Begin with the phrase, “When I live into the value of (this), I choose to (do that).”

Beginning each choice with a verb is important. Verbs signify action; values without action attached to them are merely labels.

For instance, JOY is one of my personal values, and this is how I define it.

When I live into the value of JOY, I choose to:

· Reflect upon and communicate appreciation

· Allow excitement to replace my fears

· Use my gifts of energy, creativity and humor to brighten my environment

· Share happiness with others

· Approach life with optimism

· See potential and radiate possibility

Defining your values requires an investment of focused time and energy. Allow yourself to create multiple drafts. Revisit and edit them over time. For some of you, this part will require several hours, for others several days. For me, it took several weeks.

During this part of the process, you may discover that you want to rename one or more of your values. That’s okay. This is a work in progress. Whether you think of yourself as a values artist or a values engineer, the process is the same. You are creating the vital parts of your filtration system. Invest as much time, energy and materials as you need. Remember, at the end of the process, this is the system that allows you to live a healthy existence and be the best of yourself.

If you get stuck, check in with someone who knows and loves you. Ask them how they see certain values showing up in your actions. Just keep in mind that perspective is what you are seeking, not approval. This process is about you, and determining how you want to show up in the world.

PART 3: HOW DO YOU USE YOUR VALUES?

Now that you have identified and defined your values, it’s time to use them strategically. Of course, you’ve already been using your values to guide your life, intentionally or not. And some of you have created a system that works beautifully for you. For those who desire a new or improved system, this part is for you!

Think of each value as a filter. Thoughts, situations, opportunities, circumstances, actions can be all be filtered through our values. Let’s go back to my example of JOY. Most days, living into my value of JOY is pretty easy. The day I was told that my position at work (my dream job) had been eliminated due to COVID-19, I bypassed my filter of JOY and went straight to fear and stayed there for three weeks.

After 35+ years with the same organization, how would I find a job that I felt such passion for? How could I possibly move forward without daily access to all my work friends who I considered family? How would I finish funding my retirement? Was I too old to begin a new career?

Clearly, the JOY filter was clogged. Too much was trying to flow through it too fast. It took a few weeks and some hysterical sobbing before I could clean it. Sometimes filters get dirty, sometimes they break, and sometimes they need to be replaced. That’s what makes us human. Once my JOY filter was clean again, I was able to lose the fear and get excited about the potential of starting my own business and focusing on doing what I do best, on my own terms.

Your next step is to align your values (filters) in a way that makes sense for you. Your filtration system will be unlike anyone else’s. Because you have defined your values so clearly, it will be easy to know how/if they are working for you.

At first, you will pay attention to how they are functioning based on what has happened in your life and how you’ve been feeling about things, much like looking in a rearview mirror. With time and practice, you will become proactive, anticipating how you will move forward based on those beliefs you hold sacred. Your values will be begin to guide your thoughts and actions in a strategic way. Sure, there will be circumstances that you can’t anticipate or control; one or more of your filters will get clogged or cracked. That’s normal, because life and all the systems we put in place to navigate it, require ongoing attention and maintenance.

Once you have your system in mind, it’s time to create a visual of it. It’s not enough to merely imagine it, you need to be able to see it and reference it daily. Otherwise, things can get foggy, coming into focus one day then evaporating the next. There is no right or wrong way to do this. The only requirement is that the visual makes sense to you. It can be as simple or as complex as you like. Use whatever medium you desire.

For me, the idea of rings resonated most (think hula-hoops); I could see myself stepping into each in order to “stand” in my values. Since I’m not an artist, I used a computer to illustrate my system. I share mine as an example of one approach. Your approach will be unique to you, just like your values.

Remember, we humans are simply searching for a healthy existence, where all the important parts of our lives ebb and flow in a way that allows us to be our best. It’s not about the label we use to describe it; it’s about the process that allows us to create and sustain it. Only when our thoughts and actions align with our core values, can we achieve our healthy existence, the one that allows us to be the best of ourselves.

Footnote: I'm considering offering this as a free online workshop, and would appreciate your feedback. What about this process did you like? How would you improve it? Would you be willing to share your illustration anonymously for the purpose of helping others? I would love to hear your thoughts and/or see your example.

You can email me at: Connect@CeilWeathermanConsulting.com